"Truck Nuts"
One of my least endearing, and probably most obvious, qualities is making snap judgements about people. A quick 3 minute conversation will, in my mind, tell me everything I need to know about you. In the interest of full confessional disclosure, I generally start with the idea that I will not like you, until you prove me otherwise. I know... I can be a jerk.
Sometimes though, I find my snap judgements to be completely -- 100% -- accurate. Take the case of "Truck Nuts".
Here's the scenario:
You and your family are driving along, singing your favorite worship songs and taking turns praying, when a giant beastly truck changes into your lane. That's when you see them. Giant, veiny, swinging testicles attached to the trail hitch. For a second they are mesmerizing. Swinging triumphantly in the wind, saying to the world "Here is me, my truck, and it's balls.... deal with it." The next second, you're queasy, and the kids are crying in the back seat because they could actually feel the second their innocence left them.
In this instance of snap judgement, a conversation doesn't even need to be had. If your giant truck has testicles, here is what I immediately know about you:
Though the more I think about it, if there were truck vaginas, I never would have posted this.
Sometimes though, I find my snap judgements to be completely -- 100% -- accurate. Take the case of "Truck Nuts".
Here's the scenario:
You and your family are driving along, singing your favorite worship songs and taking turns praying, when a giant beastly truck changes into your lane. That's when you see them. Giant, veiny, swinging testicles attached to the trail hitch. For a second they are mesmerizing. Swinging triumphantly in the wind, saying to the world "Here is me, my truck, and it's balls.... deal with it." The next second, you're queasy, and the kids are crying in the back seat because they could actually feel the second their innocence left them.
In this instance of snap judgement, a conversation doesn't even need to be had. If your giant truck has testicles, here is what I immediately know about you:
1.We probably couldn't be friends. Not in a mean way, but just, we probably have nothing in common. Your truck has anatomically correct genitalia; I drive a Saturn.
2. You are Republican. I'm willing to put money on this one.
3. You like Toby Keith.
4. You consider yourself "Country".
5. If they made them, you would put balls on everything.Toaster, television .. your own balls.
6. You own multiple guns. Not even just one. You probably even have one somewhere in your truck.
7. You use the phrase "Hell Yeah" a lot. Other variations could be juxtaposing everything to hell: "Colder n' Hell", "Drunker 'n hell" "Rednecker n' Hell"
8. You don't know what the word "juxtapose" means
9. You consider yourself a Christian
10. You have the uncanny ability to support the troops simply with vehicle magnets
11. You probably stopped reading this around #4, because it made you want to "kick my ass".
Though the more I think about it, if there were truck vaginas, I never would have posted this.
posted by Jarrett Green at 7:34 AM
4 Comments:
So they found my truck tonight, at 2:30am, 1st and Osage (PTL). Steering column busted out (now you just need a screwdriver to drive it), and tools stolen out of the tool box (it would have been nice for them to leave me a screwdriver, at least).
Can't help feeling that truck balls could have prevented this whole thing.
Really kind of annoyed about the tools. Two saws, extension cords, a bunch of hand tools, a pair of expensive levels... so they hawk it all for maybe $200, and it costs me a grand to replace.
I would love to punch $1000 worth of shit out of each of the guys that did this.
Come on, how will trucks reproduce without genitalia? I am only left to assume that the trucks without nuts are either female and the parts are just less obvious or sadly there are a bunch of freak genderless vehicles roaming about our streets and highways.
Josh I would have to agree I personally would never break into or steal a truck that had its own set of testicles.
Huh. I never thought of that. I always thought trucks replicated themselves via mitosis.
i've wondered before, "how does the reproductive stuff get from the truck testicles to the female truck?" maybe an appropriately sized (and color-matched-to-the-testicles-complete -with-veins-and-circumcised-of-course) penis hood ornament. i think i'm going to go check and make sure that my brake lights work...
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